Fears

One of my biggest fear is playing with blades.

Tomorrow I'm going to be tested on one.

Blade oh Blade, Please don't fly out.

Fear oh Fear, Please subside.

I am no God

It's very difficult to be surrounded by friends who won't relief themselves off the negativity hook. Most of the time, you, yourself are trying so hard to make ends meet, to fight for your own life and trying to make the world a better place for everyone.

These friends can't stop being stuck in their sad, depressed and unhappy state. They fight, debate and argue - senseless, with you. People who tend to complicate their minds for the simplest matter and blame the world for what they have become. Those who thought they are blessed but cannot be grateful for who they are. And they question you when you answered, 'why', 'no', 'not', 'dont want' etc.

And these friends...

They caught you off guard

...when they say things that hurts.

They caught you further off guard

...when they have suicidal thoughts.

They crushed you

...when they blame it on life, family and religion.

They crushed you further

...when they don't think you were there for them.

No matter how much you tried to turn their life around, cheering them on, opening their life to a whole broader world, patting their backs, accompanying them all the way, stay still when the whole world shook for them. And yet, they crawled back to their comfort zone, and be a recluse against the world.

I tried. Sadly, I failed to help you.

Sigh...

Friend, I am no God. I think, you need one.

Something I forgot to tell Serena

I was reading on isotopes until my small eyes weakened, nodding away. So, I scavenged through my small and yet FULLY OCCUPIED table for a bookmark. Then, I came across this...

I was trying to recall who spelled my name wrongly on this lovely 'Green' card. And suddenly, my mind came clear. And I got freshened up instantaneously. So, I started writing... a long conversation.

Last summer, I wanted to know more about one of the climate event happening in campus. I approached this sweet petite girl. Serena is one of the lucky Hong Kong student who got selected for those highly publicised Antarctica journey for university students. A westerner was right behind me when we both stepped in the booth.

I : Hi! This looks interesting to me.
Serena : Hi! Take a look at our campaigns. And the information on the posters.
W : [smile]
Serena : Hey! Do you know what's Climate Change? Have you heard about it? Let me show you here.
W : ok. [looking away fidgeting under the hot sun]
I : [a bit shocked but still manage to smile]

So, Serena was elaborating big time about her adventure in Antarctica with her new friend W. I stood next to her fancy Mac and listened as she explained hyperactively to W all about the Climate and the disastrous changes taking places. Then...

Serena : You can register here if you wish to know more about us.
W : Ok.
Serena : Thank you, W!!!
I : Erm, hey Serena, what's that registration about? Can you tell me more?
Serena : Ok. Just register your details here. [smile, i think it was]
I : Can you show me the English language?
Serena : [puzzled] Ok...
I : Unfortunately, I don't know how to read Chinese [smiled and continued with registering].

W was leaving. So, Serena scribbled something on a card.

Serena : Hi W, this is for you!
W : Thanks.
Serena : What's your name?
I : Teng T-E-N-G. It goes double.

Serena wrote my name on it. First looking at it, and then looked away while writing the one behind. That explains the picture above.

Serena walked away and 'sent' W off.
I went over and told her you got my name wrong. She just asked my name again and then, took her pencil and 'erased'.

I : Thanks [smiled]
Serena : Welcome!

Serena,
THANK YOU for giving me the card.
I am grateful.

You don't have to remember my name,
but I think, you have to remember yours...

The difference between my neighbour and I

Ackley, Sophie and TT

Ackley : Hey TT, this is Sophie.

Sophie : Hi. [and looked elsewhere]

TT : Hi Sophie!! Erm, hello! [confused]

TT : Are you from HKU?

Sophie : Mm. [and looked away]

Ackley : Sophie's from Biological Sciences. [trying to connect dots]

TT : Ok. [smile]

TT : So, you're a grad student from HK?

Sophie : I'm half Australian. Half Singaporean.

TT : Oh, I see. [smile]

Sophie : You?? YOu are M'sia right??? [eyes rolled]

TT : Yeah, I'm your neighbour. [calmly]

Sophie : Ah. That's what I thought. You can't be S'porean. You're too polite. [look who's talking]

TT : [smile]

-pointless chatter took place over wine between the three. 90% of the time, Sophie was all over Ackley.

Sophie : Hey, let's go grab dinner, shall we? [looking entirely at Ackley]

Ackley : Sure! [who have been looking at TT all the time]

Sophie : great [still looking at Ackley]

TT : Great! Then you guys can go ahead without me. I've other dinner to attend to.

Ackley : Awww... too bad... You sure?

Sophie : [failed to hide her wide curved lips] Really??!!

TT : Yup, you guys have fun. [smile]

TT : Nice to meet you Sophie [smileeeeeee]

TT : Take care!

Sophie : You too. [mimicking a cat's purring]

Sophie : Ok! Let's go. [aimed at Ackley]

Sophie : Bye.

In the end, TT could not retrieved her rolling head...

oh, by the way, Ackley is a blond American.

Educational comedy

Women at stake

Sanam Bibi@Gul, a 47 years old pregnant widow was killed in Afghanistan. She was accused of adultery which caused her to be impregnated. She was also whipped 200 times prior to her execution.

- More on Taliban-ism.

Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani, 43 years old is a mother of two, faced allegations of adultery in 2006. She was sentenced to die by stoning. Her news caught the international audience and draws the attention of human rights for the seemingly injustice ruling.

As if adding salt to a wound is not enough, Iran sentenced her to another 99 lashes "on false charges of spreading corruption and indecency by disseminating woman's picture without a hijab presumed to be her" for something she is not involved at all! Her lawyer was the one who produced the pictures. Full story of Sakineh here.

-More on Syariah.

I cannot imagine if Malaysia established their interpretation of Syariah law to non-muslims. I am happier if Malaysia can be more liberal, accept, appreciate and fully make good use of the diverse cultures in tour system.

Malaysia is a happy place, if they can see out of their own boxes.

Bored in lingerie

I have always miss this friend of mine.. ever since she had gone back to her home..

I will remember not to forget you

The one whom I never realized to be such an impact on me..

Relationship ≠ work

There is personal life in work.

And there is also work in personal life.

But, be clear, relationship is not work.

It's a relationship. It's not work. We cannot just set a goal, and aim to achieve it.

That's far too realistic, ignorant, shallow and cold.

Relationships, especially between two person in love, needs a lot of compromising, understanding and acceptance. They give, they take. They need time. They need space. They need the truth. They need exploration. They need supplements. They need intellectual feedbacks. They need a solid foundation. They need backup plans.

Nothing simple mentioned. Simplicity is just the gimmick for the mind.

Nothing straight-forward as well. Relationships are complicated in every ways.

Having a target means looking forward, good.

However, setting a target doesn't mean you have to score them.

Having too high of a target, sometimes succumbs you to your own expectations.

Maybe you thought you were ready, when you are not?

Or perhaps, the aim is too high beyond reach, at current?

Are you on the right track?

Worst, you both are having different targets???

Should you set aside and let patience and more understanding to grow over time?

We never know for sure, how our paths cross, how they divert and how we are lead back on together. Sometimes, no matter how much effort has been put in, things still fall apart. Because, you 'worked' too hard, alone. You need to look back at the essentials, communication. You need another team player, and you need to put trust in him/her.

In relationships, there are two workers. And rule of the thumb, is to work together. Put efforts to build up a groundwork where both parties contributed almost equally. One thing leading on to another - mostly bitter-sweet. The final product can well be envisioned as much as success comes drooling in. And what matters most, is how the entire working process takes place to pull things together.

Bear in mind, the success, is not yours alone. You did it with a partner, whom you can depend and work with for the rest of your life.

That's the one you need.

Relationships are like colours to a drawing.

When there are colours, the plain drawing becomes a painting.

When more colours set in, the painting becomes interesting.

When all colours blend in nicely, the painting becomes a work of art.

Reaching the set target, is just a bonus in the end.

Both parties share the merits.

She's one sick lady!

The Sun

She was stroking tabby Lola............ suddenly grabs the four-year-old cat ........ before throwing it into a wheelie bin and slamming the lid closed... [The Sun]

Terrified Lola was trapped..... 15 HOURS before her owners Stephanie Andrews-Mann and husband Darryl finally found her the following morning.... [The Sun]

Mary Bale, 45 :

"I really don't see what everyone is getting so excited about - it's just a cat."

"... I thought it would be funny to put it in the wheelie bin..." [The Standard]

p/s : At 45, we don't try to act cute and be funny.

Watch the video footage here : BBC Woman filmed dumping cat

I'm relieved over the spilt milk

MY STORY
NT is my PhD advisor. And DM is my partner in research cum colleague cum office roomate cum a too friendly friend from China.

MY FEARS
Harassment is a serious offence. Especially if it knows no end.

MY APPROACH
I've talked in person with NT. She's clearly concerned with what happened to me for the past 11months. And she asked a lot of questions. She said that she would handle the problem, but she needs a little bit more time to figure things out. I talked to her in detailed how every incident happened. She's now informed why I dont work in the office, and why I am always working alone.

HER CONCERNS
She explains her respect for cultural values. And she asked me not to give up my own culture in order to blend in with the rest of the world. Having cultural differences is one of the values needed in a multicultural society, this I was reminded of.

Evidently, she is not satisfied with DM's progress at all. She felt that he's immatured, non-competent and lost. He doesnt seem to know what is going on around him and he is one against the whole world. She agreed that I have been babysitting him all the way and she's very upset about it. She had previously sent an email to him, complaining about him not being able to produce anything to her effectively. This is not my concern at all. Im not the right person to judge him.

However, she brought up another aspect that clearly is not agreeable to me. She said that DM maybe so immatured and lost, he might not be aware he had done wrong or not realizing how fragile woman are. I defended by bringing up the pool incident last year. She was shocked jaw drop. Then, all her defenses for DM collapsed.

HER SOLUTION
NT had asked for me to be transferred to another office, if that's agreeable to me. I gladly accepted the offer. She advised me to speak up loudly and clearly and not being afraid to hurt his feelings. And she hoped that I can voice out more to her, and she's concerned [I'm not sure how much though..] with the amount of things I am keeping to myself.

MY FEELINGS
I am suddenly overwhelmed with how things changed overnight. Not knowing what to feel, I had mixed feelings of joy, confusion, anger, betrayal, sympathy, satisfaction and relieved...

MY HOPES
But one thing Im sure of, I've become more determined in succeeding my PhD.
I might have carried on too much of responsibilities in me. Struggling hard to persist all way through. And over-achieved the impossibles. I have not know those abilities are actually mine. Im glad, I acted on instincts. Im glad, Im my father's daughter.

Because I am the fighter.

I hope I am still sane.

The strength from within

Because I am born a FIGHTER.

And I am STRONGER than whom I thought I was.

The PACIFIST still exists, lingering as a confusion.

But the will in me, standing TOUGH throughout all odds.

I SURVIVED, and waded through.

I will still GRACE,

I am still the FIGHTER.

China : an unpaved path

China is in a transition phase : The economy, the society, the government.

As the most populated country in the world, ranking 1st as the largest ASIAN country and 3rd/4th [highly debatable] largest country in the world, China strived to be one of the most recognized civilisation around the globe. All eyes are set on China for each initiated move. A reckon force, she managed to maneuver the global market in her direction.

She is transitioning so fast that there are so many flaws accompanying her alongway. The nation might be financially prospering after literally 'dropping' their communist regimes and aiming hard in achieving a wealthy nation. Dissecting extensive railways and highways through mountains and valleys. High rise soars to dictate her status quo. The doomed miners buried deep in minings. Enforcements are dictators : no arguements, no human rights, no pleading, no excuses. A series of suicides in a row. Kidnapping kids of rich families. Pirated items have elevated to a higher standard of establishing nationwide stores. Secondhand goods are sold as brand new branded products. This is how 'hard' their mentality had to struggle to breathe. Choking up money-making-plans in each possible way.

This is the genuine China I came to know.

But, generally, the level of development in the people's mindset, is not equivalent to what their nation is going through at the moment. The capacity for intelligence, is corrupted by status, mind, power and money.

China, you traded your people with money.

No matter how high economy flourishes and wealth spilled on her people, China's money does not reach out to the poor. The poor remains poor and the rich becomes richer. In the midst of rushing to thrive, the people have ununttered sense of sticking to their same old attitude. The rude remains ruder at times. The vulgar has exteme vulgarities at times too. Gender biases; males are given the lead, because they pay the bills.

Chinese woman's mentality... not what I'd be proud of.

And I learnt, no matter how right you can be, customer is not always correct, unless, money is in power. However, having a different skin colour do make a difference. Expats to them are worshipped like GOD, just like anywhere else in Asia. This how downgraded our people have done to our humble region.

Asians, 'we' helped others rape our modesty.

Gaining from its counterparts - Hong Kong, Macau and Taiwan [strongly questionable], China is very opportunistic and I personally salute the planning and development team of experts. They must be gobbling in a whole lot themselves. Business they say, belongs to the chinese. How true? Very. That's why they are making money.

Right now, the dense chinese population are left to struggle with the handicapped system. I wonder, how do they play along this game call survival of the fittest?

Not being respected as a chinese, being despised of my cultural background and brewed from a 'non-chinese' [as they claimed] country, I no longer have the sense of belonging for where my ancestors had originated from. Well, gaining a bird's eye view of this massive turnover, the experience is above priceless.

China, I feel for you. And, you have a long way to go.

Women : smart or dumb?

"... Long ago, I went to a women's leadership seminar with fifty-seven women.

We were asked to stand up if we didn't like women - thought they are dumb, stupid, insipid or weak.

I stood up, and so did fifty-three other women!..."

~ Wendy Keller

We are not always the sweet, innocent Sleeping Beauties lying there waiting to be rescued from an ancient curse. We can choose to be Zena, the Warrior Princess who fought for her people or the noble Warrior Queen, Joan of Arc who lead a battalion of warriors. OR we can always be the sweet little cutie-pies in mini chiffons hugging petite curvaceous body.

YOU are left to discover how smart you are
or how dumb you can be.

PhD

My sister and I
modified from : http://www.sangrea.net/free-cartoons/

Abuse is not about tolerance

While you SCREAM at your woman, there's a man wishing he could talk softly in her ears. While you HUMILIATE, OFFEND and INSULT her, there's a man flirting with her and reminding her how wonderful she is. While you HURT your woman, there's a man wishing he could make love to her. While you make your woman CRY, there's a man stealing smiles from her.

I was going through FB when I saw this status message updated at one of my friend's page. It sounds so saddening for me to feel for my peers.

Domestic violence is a form of violation of one's rights. It is legally defined as,

Any abusive, violent, coercive, forceful, or threatening act or word inflicted by one member of a family or household on another can constitute domestic violence.

Why are we being victimised ?
Why does gender inequality exist?
Why is our vanity being criticised?
Why must we be bullied for our soft sides?
Are we always taken for granted, for our motherly nature ?

If only...
every man can appreciate how woman exist alongside with man, our role in this world would be more justified. We do not need to struggle so hard just to prove our point.

If only...
every child is given priority over their innocence. They would not have to struggle to survive another day.

If only..
everybody care more for their mental health, social interactions, genetic influences, marital problems, family planning and etc. Children and woman would not have to wonder why must they repeatedly suffer blows to their head, broken ribs, swollen eyes, scalded arms, fractured skulls, cigarette burnt skins and unwanted pregnancy.

We planted our faith in people that we trusted most all our lives, and being disappointed by it, is the last thing we had hoped for. Unfortunately, we have to wake up from the worst of all calamities. We might be scarred for life, but we are tired of being fearful, bullied and underestimated all the time. We have to realize our values and existence in this life. We are not born to take blows or being humiliated of our innocence.

And I know, it takes up a lot of courage and determination to say,

'Enough is enough!'

Female in the male league

Very few can guess what I do when I go to work.

Specifically, nobody can believe what I did when I work.



My recent work took place at various mangrove locations in Borneo.

• Planning fieldwork.
• Exploring virgin mangroves.
• Assisting sampling.
• Purchasing equipments.
• Implementing ideas.
• Learned about land surveying.
• Snapping pictures.
• Middle person.
• Communicate with officers, staffs and labourers.
• Representing the university.
• Entertaining officials.
• Showing foreigner around.
• Filtering cigarette smokes.
• Paying for meals.

I have a team of man collaborating with the fieldwork. Most of the time, their expectation will underestimate me. Or they just have the tendency to neglect my presence. But I do not mind because I do have the mindset that both sexes are equal. Or at least, shown to be so. Those man eventually respected my contribution and how I take my stand.

That makes my work revolving around MAN all the time. Possibly because few woman are as interested as I am in doing what I do.

I found that I can do personal assistant, secretary, clerk, manager, interpreter, translator, surveyor, photographer, research assistant, food decision-maker, labourer, map reader, slide manager, peacemaker, financial planner, accountant, marketing officer, IT, 2nd-hand smoker and babysitter - ALL AT ONCE.

I am basically drained out with what I have.