Or getting old?

You know you are growing up..

when you pay no attention to those who ridicule you

when you felt nothing with those playing games behind you

when you no longer pity being victimized of jealousy and hatred

when you catch your breath after being hated, drowned and hurt

when you hurt not by those who is beyond forgiveness

when you forgive those who intentionally grieve you

when you grieve overnight and recover steadfast

when you can easily become light hearted to whatever had held you captive

when you hold no grudge anymore and move on

when you know how to live a life being yourself

and realize life is bigger than itself.

Joy is a wellbeing

FACT #1
It is difficult to stop feeling happy.

Well, in the first place, nobody asked you to make yourself miserable. Drop it and come out of your zombie shell.

FACT #2
You know being unhappy won't do you good.

Worst, it affects people around you; who loves and cares for you. Time to shudder off unhappy pessimistic thoughts.

Put on your thinking cap. That's it! Get on the groove. You can do it! Just follow the flow...

Pssstt!!!
I have a personal recommendation. It is called joy!



Credit : Peekaboo IPHONE App

I have a bigger heart

Most of the time, I am very serious, dedicated, responsible and concern in things that matters most in my point of view. Recently, I found out that my attentiveness towards little things that seem unimportant to others, is inviting heartbreak. To me. I also found out that people tend to take advantage of such vulnerable side of me.

So, I will learn to let go. No anger. No prejudice. No bad feelings.
I forgive all of you.
I felt relieved and lifted.
Because I learned that my heart is bigger.

My new disbelief

I want to start disbelieving people.

Not because of what they say, but..

because they are unbelieveably fake.

Coming to my senses..

Life is often full of challenges that twist already-made decisions and tried very hard to keep both your feet off the ground. Turning opposite directions just to make you face yourself upside downs.

Sometimes, you are so stucked at these intersections, that there is nothing you can do to change the harm done but to accept it and then, move on.



Because change is so permanent, I've found out that avoidance is not a good mode of learning. Life is about accepting change and learning to adapt to it. It is also about being happy, sidetracks aside. Ultimately, making sure that your feet is still on the ground.

Worth of a thousand words

A thousand things that I want to share
with you.

Approx a year ago...

Me approx. a year ago....

...and now

I sat down for one day, thinking of what to write on this first night of 2011.

............................................................................................................
I have gained more than what I've imagined for the past 1 year.

I have gained more strength to embrace uncertainties in life.

I have let go of what should not be held on,

and look forward to what's going to surprise me.

I have adapted to changes and variabilities,

so often that I accept change is unpredictable and yet undeniable.

********************************************************

With that,

I have vowed to embed what I've learned to be lessons in life.

I have regained conscience of not letting unimportance to hurt me.

I have learned, how to be a happier person for what makes me happy,

and not to be sad for what would sadden me.

I have given myself a second chance, and I took the big step.

And, I'm glad I found a bigger heart for mine.

********************************************************

Now,

I have deeper sense of realizations, of how meaningful every moment is in my life.

Trying not to waste any second of my time,

to mourn for what's not worthy of a second thought.

I am trying, to make life a better place for myself.

So that it would be better for you.

********************************************************

Thank you, an eventful and challenging 2010...

I have achieved a lot in a year's time.

I am proud of who I am today for the level of determination I had polished within me.

I've grown a little more wiser than who I was before.

I just need to love myself more in this coming year.

And I need to remember, I cannot save the world.

********************************************************

I believe,

I can be a better person.

And a very happy, better person.

Life, trial and error

I think, I'm a very happy person.

I deserve, for what I've done.

I have, indeed achieve a lot.

I did, try my best.

I could, not ask for more.

I am, contented and grateful.

I must, be the most loved person in life.

My life.

Twisted. Turned. Spurred. Spanned. Stirred. Rotated. Ridiculed. Crumbled. Cracked. Corrupted.

And still be it. So what?

I'm learning to enjoy it.

No longer fighting it, nor develop negativity towards it.

Embracing every short moment of my wonderful life.

Reflect, relax and return.

Loving love in return for love.

Aaahhh...

Life is, to get up again after every fall.

Just a few scratches...

I am no God

It's very difficult to be surrounded by friends who won't relief themselves off the negativity hook. Most of the time, you, yourself are trying so hard to make ends meet, to fight for your own life and trying to make the world a better place for everyone.

These friends can't stop being stuck in their sad, depressed and unhappy state. They fight, debate and argue - senseless, with you. People who tend to complicate their minds for the simplest matter and blame the world for what they have become. Those who thought they are blessed but cannot be grateful for who they are. And they question you when you answered, 'why', 'no', 'not', 'dont want' etc.

And these friends...

They caught you off guard

...when they say things that hurts.

They caught you further off guard

...when they have suicidal thoughts.

They crushed you

...when they blame it on life, family and religion.

They crushed you further

...when they don't think you were there for them.

No matter how much you tried to turn their life around, cheering them on, opening their life to a whole broader world, patting their backs, accompanying them all the way, stay still when the whole world shook for them. And yet, they crawled back to their comfort zone, and be a recluse against the world.

I tried. Sadly, I failed to help you.

Sigh...

Friend, I am no God. I think, you need one.

Something I forgot to tell Serena

I was reading on isotopes until my small eyes weakened, nodding away. So, I scavenged through my small and yet FULLY OCCUPIED table for a bookmark. Then, I came across this...

I was trying to recall who spelled my name wrongly on this lovely 'Green' card. And suddenly, my mind came clear. And I got freshened up instantaneously. So, I started writing... a long conversation.

Last summer, I wanted to know more about one of the climate event happening in campus. I approached this sweet petite girl. Serena is one of the lucky Hong Kong student who got selected for those highly publicised Antarctica journey for university students. A westerner was right behind me when we both stepped in the booth.

I : Hi! This looks interesting to me.
Serena : Hi! Take a look at our campaigns. And the information on the posters.
W : [smile]
Serena : Hey! Do you know what's Climate Change? Have you heard about it? Let me show you here.
W : ok. [looking away fidgeting under the hot sun]
I : [a bit shocked but still manage to smile]

So, Serena was elaborating big time about her adventure in Antarctica with her new friend W. I stood next to her fancy Mac and listened as she explained hyperactively to W all about the Climate and the disastrous changes taking places. Then...

Serena : You can register here if you wish to know more about us.
W : Ok.
Serena : Thank you, W!!!
I : Erm, hey Serena, what's that registration about? Can you tell me more?
Serena : Ok. Just register your details here. [smile, i think it was]
I : Can you show me the English language?
Serena : [puzzled] Ok...
I : Unfortunately, I don't know how to read Chinese [smiled and continued with registering].

W was leaving. So, Serena scribbled something on a card.

Serena : Hi W, this is for you!
W : Thanks.
Serena : What's your name?
I : Teng T-E-N-G. It goes double.

Serena wrote my name on it. First looking at it, and then looked away while writing the one behind. That explains the picture above.

Serena walked away and 'sent' W off.
I went over and told her you got my name wrong. She just asked my name again and then, took her pencil and 'erased'.

I : Thanks [smiled]
Serena : Welcome!

Serena,
THANK YOU for giving me the card.
I am grateful.

You don't have to remember my name,
but I think, you have to remember yours...

The difference between my neighbour and I

Ackley, Sophie and TT

Ackley : Hey TT, this is Sophie.

Sophie : Hi. [and looked elsewhere]

TT : Hi Sophie!! Erm, hello! [confused]

TT : Are you from HKU?

Sophie : Mm. [and looked away]

Ackley : Sophie's from Biological Sciences. [trying to connect dots]

TT : Ok. [smile]

TT : So, you're a grad student from HK?

Sophie : I'm half Australian. Half Singaporean.

TT : Oh, I see. [smile]

Sophie : You?? YOu are M'sia right??? [eyes rolled]

TT : Yeah, I'm your neighbour. [calmly]

Sophie : Ah. That's what I thought. You can't be S'porean. You're too polite. [look who's talking]

TT : [smile]

-pointless chatter took place over wine between the three. 90% of the time, Sophie was all over Ackley.

Sophie : Hey, let's go grab dinner, shall we? [looking entirely at Ackley]

Ackley : Sure! [who have been looking at TT all the time]

Sophie : great [still looking at Ackley]

TT : Great! Then you guys can go ahead without me. I've other dinner to attend to.

Ackley : Awww... too bad... You sure?

Sophie : [failed to hide her wide curved lips] Really??!!

TT : Yup, you guys have fun. [smile]

TT : Nice to meet you Sophie [smileeeeeee]

TT : Take care!

Sophie : You too. [mimicking a cat's purring]

Sophie : Ok! Let's go. [aimed at Ackley]

Sophie : Bye.

In the end, TT could not retrieved her rolling head...

oh, by the way, Ackley is a blond American.

Thank you Megi

It's funny how humans [not quite sure about the animal kingdom] cannot be grateful and contented with what they have.

Megi was scheduled to hit Hong Kong last Thursday - expected to be the strongest storm to ever hit the region, bringing heavy downpour, mudslides, shutting down the mega city and definitely halting the economy. HK was prepared for it, and people were seen busy getting ready to embrace the wild storm and stocking up food at home.

The forecast went from Typhoon Signal No. 1 and rose up to 3 and stayed there until Wednesday. Miraculously, sun was shining brightly on Thursday, with the slightest breeze felt throughout the day. The weekend was tremendously fine, just ripe for the autumn season.

Super typhoon had decided to spare HK of it's massive killer strength and travel much north and brought other neighbouring regions battling with it.

However, not everyone felt grateful that they escaped what could possibly be the worst state of devastation that they could have ever imagined. Some started cursing the HK Observatory for the fluctuating forecast and condemned their reliability.

Little did they had in mind, how lucky we were at this stage.

270,000 flee, as typhoon hits China

And the fact that, we're a small little island, standing next door to them.

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if got sick, at least we didn't die; so let us all be thankful.

[Buddha]

Present, future and past

To mark the start of our journey into this world,
We are born into the present.

As we grow up and older,
We look forward to the future.

When we leave this world,
We left behind a past.

Is it the 2,512.186 km or the 4 hours ?

How come it seems so far?

Hong Kong's period of grief...

Such a tragic end for Hong Kongers at Manila...

A day, nobody could be proud to have it listed in the history...

Who could have thought of a massacre while touristing?

All they wanted was just to travel abroad during the summer holidays.. with their loved ones.. before school reopens...

We watched, horrified with the live telecast... anticipated the outcome of the 10-hour standoff... clock ticked by too slowly for hope...

The worst had sounded... Hong Kong hearts are shattered..

Some are left widowed.. some orphaned.. some lost their dependants...

Just too much to bear..

People are scarred for life..

In a bus ride, hijacked by a lone gunman..

surrounded by 200 SWAT trained personnels...

snipers...

10hours of standoff...

2negotiators...

and, 1 simple request : secure and protect my people...

Philippines, who can stop blaming you?

Hong Kong has been weeping for the lives lost..

Hong Kong is in deep sorrow...

Hong Kong wants justice...

I hope that they find peace...

'Playing' comes with a price

Referring back to my post on 'I'm paid to play'.

I should make it clear to everyone, that playing comes with a price.

This is especially true for me, as per my personal life is under serious stress alert. I was alarmed with the state of jeopardy I was in, even before the Vietnam work trip. But, the courage to overcome it, was tremendously stressful - when your life, career and future is put to risk.

Let's say...

I was not ready to lose anything I built for 11months. But, I am again, the fighter.

***

I was paid to spend 6days in Nha Thrang - dive, listen, talk, organize and smile. I was fed well. I slept well. I was fetched everywhere. I fly with the good airlines. I had serious fun being underwater, where I felt totally in peace with no interception from anyone. And DM can't dive. And I am assured, that I would be safe.

It seemed like a too-good-to-refuse offer..

I camouflaged well in terms of my working relationship with DM. I'm not a personal attacker. And I don't mix personal life with work. Unfortunately, I was working alone on 'that'.

In the end..

I was told I did a pretty good job as a PhD candidate coming from next-to-nothing during Vietnam. I was told I am competent. And I was invited to visit the best marine research institute in the world.

***

But..

I am not happy.

For no obvious reasons, I felt that I'm being traded.

Life, in your own hands

Life, is how you determined it to be.

Not somebody else.

We do have a choice!

PhD - painfully heeded determination

" PhD is a process... which takes time...

• to identify the gaps and then learn the skills to achieve it

• so that in the end, we achieve the scholarship

• not to expect that we have the scholarship and that's why we do PhD

• that to have come this far, we have demonstrated that we have the ability

• what we need now is to learn the skill to become a "professional" researcher

When faced with difficulties, know that that is a signal that things are not going right and change - either strategies, methods, output - whatever

• but don't stay with the same things in the same situation - difficulty will just continue

• it's all about learning the academic game

• to win, one must know the rules and regulations "

I remember PhD was not at all like this before....

When has it been commercialised?

The strength from within

Because I am born a FIGHTER.

And I am STRONGER than whom I thought I was.

The PACIFIST still exists, lingering as a confusion.

But the will in me, standing TOUGH throughout all odds.

I SURVIVED, and waded through.

I will still GRACE,

I am still the FIGHTER.