Prejudice

Prejudice is a strong word.

I'm using it because I'm being prejudiced by a professor in my department. I was being questioned about my teaching ability. I was being degraded of my academic status. I was ridiculed of my achievements in science. In front of an entire class. I had tried not to pay attention to it several times, ignoring his permanent unrest discrimination against me.

I really want to find out the reason why, and the degree of 'crime' that I've committed (did anything even happened???) for me to deserve such humiliation. My race? My nationality? My work? My field of interest? My gender?

People with higher authority are abusive.
They abuse power.

Oh.... Monday is really blue...
=(

Coming to my senses..

Life is often full of challenges that twist already-made decisions and tried very hard to keep both your feet off the ground. Turning opposite directions just to make you face yourself upside downs.

Sometimes, you are so stucked at these intersections, that there is nothing you can do to change the harm done but to accept it and then, move on.



Because change is so permanent, I've found out that avoidance is not a good mode of learning. Life is about accepting change and learning to adapt to it. It is also about being happy, sidetracks aside. Ultimately, making sure that your feet is still on the ground.

The most difficult writing

Obituaries, are the most difficult piece of writing.

I'm writing one tonight..
because I know,
you are much more loved by above
and you deserve better... much better..

In Loving Memory of Leopard (perd)...

March 2003 - January 2011

A strong, alert, thoughtful and most possible companion at all times. We walked through thick and thins, jumped through high and lows, sneaked through narrow and broads. My wake-up calls in the mornings when your soft whiskas poked my face and your soft paws paced forth and back, heavy on my chest. An eager play companion whenever the strings played. A cheeky follower whenever I waltz my way to the coconut tree in front of our home. A coward when it's time to go to bed. A thief making holes in all our doors. A silent sleeper who enjoy her own sweet time on my bed. A poser to test for my camera shots. A patient listener. A humble girl when your belly were teased. A moaner for the wet baths you had to take. A fighter through the flood that I picked you up. A baby held humbly in my arms at any time. Love at first sight for many. My first pet. My ball of fur. My baby.

I will always miss you deeply. For I, have not enough of your beautiful presence. Always in my silent prayers and a delicate spot in my heart.

You will always, forever, be with us.

We will always love you.

- Tiger (ger) and I -

Dog speaks loyalty

cnn.com.

Leao sat next to Cristina's grave, undisturbed, for days.

Your journey..

I wasn't there the moment you first learned to breathe
But I'm on my way
On my way
I wasn't there the moment you got off your knees
But I'm on my way
On my way

Lay down
And come alive in all you've found
All you're meant to be
And for now
We'll wait until the morning light
And close our eyes to see
Just close your eyes to see

A tear must have formed in my eye
When you had your first kiss
But I'm on my way
On my way
So leave a space deep inside for everything I'll miss
Cause I'm on my way
On my way

Lay down
And come alive in all you've found
All you're meant to be
And for now
We'll wait until the morning light
And close our eyes to see
Just close your eyes to see

And when you feel no saving grace
Well I'm on my way
On my way
And when you're bound to second place
Well I'm on my way
On my way
So don't believe it's all in vain
Cause I'm on my way
On my way
The light at the end is worth the pain
Cause I'm on my way
On my way

I'll be there the morning you come out in white
Cause I'm on my way
On my way

Short-lived recovery

This is difficult for me, evidently becoming more challenging and hard to deal with. I am so tested. I've just managed to re-adjust my life here, and again, news struck.

After a series of fallouts and unhappy events, I finally found enough conscience to pull myself together and embrace the realities which were hitting me. I switched gears and let bygones be bygones. I always find ways to pack up courage and start anew. Planting seeds of optimism and positivity in me, and throw myself in an ocean of uncertainty again. Hardship to me, before half an hour ago, was just 'something' needing time and more practise.

But, grieve to me.... is crushing.

I'm a tough lad, shapen through time. I've learned to be very tolerable and endures extreme threshold levels. I'm independently good at managing my own life in a very organized way no matter how rough things become. However, limits are limits.... Especially when reality slaps you hard repeatedly on your face.

I want to grieve... for my loss.

I can't help it, but I'm crushed.

Surviving winter

Hong Kong has been under really cold weather this winter. Colder and drier than it has been, just like how it was during the 90s.

No matter how much you like air-conditioning, trust my words. You will not like sitting in a freezer 24-7, trying to do your things like how you did at all other seasons.

The cold thing about HK is the strong chilly wind. Brrrrrrr....... Because HK's winter is never with snows (it did snow at one of the mountain peak), there are no heating system. So, you can only wrap yourself in winter clothing and hope that you cramped enough of heat to rock you to sleep at night.

Like I said, it is cold.

Worth of a thousand words

A thousand things that I want to share
with you.

Braving the steps

I wonder if what I said in my conversation with my sister would be held against me?
I wonder....ME:
i found a new meaning to my phd
i dont have to complete it
because i already knew what i can achieved

SHE:
hahahaha... yes

ME:
and i dont want to achieve it for someone else

SHE:
it's all yours...

ME:
i dont want o help nathalie anymore
i cannot save the world

SHE:
no one can take it from you even if you want to give it away...

ME:
i cannot establish a southeast asia zone

SHE:
you alone cannot...

ME:
i cannot be the best in southeast asia
not because i am not
but because i dont need to prove so hard to be one
i dont want to care what she thinks of my work anymore
not because it doesnt matter
but it matters so much to me, than it matters meaningless to her
i am reluctant to help her solve her puzzle

SHE:
totally agree with you...

ME:
she needs a proper way to do so
i tried to help her,
but without her selfless act, i am a soldier fighting my own war
if she has a personal life to deal with, so do i
i am not forever mortal

SHE:
so you don't want to be the general, major, captain, lieutenant, rookie etc etc etc anymore???

ME:
huh?

SHE:
you go to war mah...

ME:
i am the recruit
always the frontline
to die first

SHE:
one person war so have to wear all rank lor
hahahahah
yeah lor...

ME:
.............
now i know why everybody leaves
this place is not worth staying at all
if i chose to leave,
it doesnt mean that im useless
or im not determined enough to stay put and endure
but it is because im finally strong enough
after learning and achieving so much
and earned a doctorate on my own
the recognition, doesnt have to come from somebody else
life is too short for them

Today, I remembered you

Tonight,

I confronted my diary of fears.

In it I opened up you...

Today,

Your home served as a saviour.

To a kitty, another victim to humanity.

I'm proud of you, Coffee.

A memory determined to last a lifetime...

Missing you.

Fears

One of my biggest fear is playing with blades.

Tomorrow I'm going to be tested on one.

Blade oh Blade, Please don't fly out.

Fear oh Fear, Please subside.

Grrrrrr

I wonder what happen to my space between each paragraphs?????
Why must it keep disappearing????
This is irritation.

This is random.

Habitual blogger

I did not realize that I blog that much last year compared to all the other years of my bloggings. I thought I wrote too little in that little pathetic year. But, it was current record holder for the most posting in Sunshine@360.

Perhaps I've got a certain habit for blogging. I should start surveying my desire for writing. What makes me write? When I can't even finish writing up my work proposal even after 15months?

As I glanced back at my blog titles for 2010 and the year before, I sensed that the style of writing had differed, alot. Indeed, things had been diferent. Way too different to maintain their origins. Maybe that's how we grow as we continue learning.

Who says learning stops when we leave school?

Your presence matters

It felt really good, to finally share my life in HK with those who matters most to me. Though I'm sitting alone in my room now and then, but the feeling is not going to be the same again. Their presence still lingers strongly wherever I go.


Carrying them close to my heart, reminds me how well I've been surviving alone in HK all these while. Now, even better with their continuous blessings and silent prayers. Keeping me stronger and embraced in unseen warmth.

Thanks to them, I know my battle has been worthwhile. The battle is already half won.

Bliss.... I finally felt lighter.

This is for all of you - FAMILY.

Approx a year ago...

Me approx. a year ago....

...and now

I sat down for one day, thinking of what to write on this first night of 2011.

............................................................................................................
I have gained more than what I've imagined for the past 1 year.

I have gained more strength to embrace uncertainties in life.

I have let go of what should not be held on,

and look forward to what's going to surprise me.

I have adapted to changes and variabilities,

so often that I accept change is unpredictable and yet undeniable.

********************************************************

With that,

I have vowed to embed what I've learned to be lessons in life.

I have regained conscience of not letting unimportance to hurt me.

I have learned, how to be a happier person for what makes me happy,

and not to be sad for what would sadden me.

I have given myself a second chance, and I took the big step.

And, I'm glad I found a bigger heart for mine.

********************************************************

Now,

I have deeper sense of realizations, of how meaningful every moment is in my life.

Trying not to waste any second of my time,

to mourn for what's not worthy of a second thought.

I am trying, to make life a better place for myself.

So that it would be better for you.

********************************************************

Thank you, an eventful and challenging 2010...

I have achieved a lot in a year's time.

I am proud of who I am today for the level of determination I had polished within me.

I've grown a little more wiser than who I was before.

I just need to love myself more in this coming year.

And I need to remember, I cannot save the world.

********************************************************

I believe,

I can be a better person.

And a very happy, better person.